Confessions Between Us Read online

  ‘Missed you today.’ He stared down at me.

  ‘Haven’t you been busy skiing? How have you had time to think of anything else?’ But I smiled as I asked it because it was nice to hear.

  ‘I always think about you, no matter what I’m doing.’ He pressed a soft kiss to my lips.

  ‘No matter what?’

  ‘Yep.’

  This time when he kissed me, I answered it. I cupped my hands around his neck, holding him in place. I didn’t want him to move. Lazy kisses like these were too good.

  ‘Want to take a shower with me?’ he asked eventually when we parted for air.

  ‘What—now?’ It was the middle of the day. Everyone was home. ‘Everyone will know what we’re doing if we shower together.’

  ‘So?’ Apparently, that didn’t bother him at all.

  ‘No.’ I shook my head vehemently. I did not want everyone to know what we were up to.

  He groaned and rolled off me. ‘Cockblocked by my friends. Damn.’

  ‘I don’t want to give them more reason to dislike me.’ For Glenn to dislike me, that was.

  ‘Well, I need a shower.’ He pushed up on his elbows. ‘And if you’re not joining me, I’ll just have a wank. And think about you, obviously.’

  I flushed red. Why did he have to say things like that out loud? I was starting to suspect he liked seeing me flush.

  ‘I can help with dinner.’ That would keep my mind off Andreas wanking off in the shower. Hopefully.

  ‘Okay.’ He hugged me tightly for a few seconds before he let go and jumped onto the floor.

  I followed him out of the bedroom, but whereas he veered into the bathroom, I continued into the open living room and kitchen.

  Only one person was there.

  Glenn.

  I glanced around. Where was Leo? And Sarah and Peter?

  I debated walking back to the bedroom to wait for Andreas to finish his shower, but before I could escape unseen, Glenn turned.

  He stared at me silently for what felt like minutes.

  ‘Sarah told me to start dinner.’ He motioned to the chicken he was frying.

  ‘Need help?’ I offered. Now that he’d noticed me I might as well make myself useful.

  ‘You can mix the sauce, I guess.’ He shrugged, turning his back on me again.

  Navigating the kitchen with Glenn in it… It was hard not to brush against him. And we stood side by side as I put a saucepan on the stove, and mixed the tandoori powder with water and creme fraiche. A saucepan with water was puttering and Glenn moved away to get rice.

  I let out the breath I’d been holding as we’d been standing shoulder to shoulder. I was hyper-aware of him behind me anyway though.

  There was utter silence between us. And no one else showed up to break it. What the hell was everyone else doing?

  ‘Are you two making dinner?’ Andreas finally appeared.

  I turned to look at him, grateful to have someone else there to cut the tension with Glenn. Andreas was only wearing a towel, however, and it didn’t hide much.

  ‘For real, man.’ Glenn groaned and rolled his eyes, turning back to stirring the chicken and rice. ‘Get some damn clothes on.’

  ‘What?’ Andreas looked down at himself like he couldn’t understand the big deal. ‘Can’t handle a bare chest?’

  There wasn’t just a bare chest. There was also the fact that while the towel hid his bare dick from view, it didn’t do a good enough job hiding the bulge and the outline.

  I glanced surreptitiously at Glenn. If Ben was right, if Glenn was really in love with Andreas, he now had ample opportunity to have a nice, long peek at him. Andreas was practically asking for it.

  ‘So what’s for dinner?’ Andreas continued standing there as if he wasn’t showing off practically everything.

  ‘Chicken tandoori.’ I stirred the sauce half-heartedly.

  ‘And the cheese?’ I asked Glenn.

  ‘You going to prance around like that all evening?’ Glenn threw Andreas what appeared to be a disgusted look. Which… didn’t make any sense.

  ‘Hey, there is nothing wrong with this.’ Andreas motioned to his body.

  ‘You’re too damn full of yourself.’ Glenn shook his head.

  What was going on? Glenn didn’t seem bothered by Andreas’s almost naked state. He seemed almost… exasperated. That didn’t make any sense. Ben had said he was sure Glenn was secretly in love with Andreas—but I didn’t see that in him right now. He wasn’t sneakily glancing at him. He wasn’t even purposely not looking at him either.

  Andreas gave me a look and I turned back to the stove to avoid my confused thoughts. I couldn’t help having a peek at his crotch area though—because he looked damn good.

  Sarah and Peter appeared, and Andreas almost walked right into them as he, presumably, was about to head back to our bedroom to get dressed.

  ‘You two been showering together, huh?’ He gave me another look. This one I understood. He was telling me it would’ve been fine for us to shower together too.

  I ignored it.

  ‘Saving on water, man.’ Peter grinned. I didn’t believe that had been their intent whatsoever.

  ‘I think that towel is in danger of falling off.’ Sarah pointed at Andreas, eyebrows raised.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m on my way to change.’ He waved her teasing away as he walked back to our bedroom.

  ‘Dinner smells great.’ Sarah leaned around Glenn to peer into each pan.

  ‘Don’t you trust me?’ Glenn asked dryly.

  ‘Funny you should mention that.’ She poked his side before heading over to sit at the table.

  ‘She doesn’t trust me either, man.’ Peter yawned as he sat down on a chair.

  Andreas came back too, now dressed in baggy joggers and a form-fitting T-shirt. The baggy joggers were especially good as no one could ogle his dick anymore. That was for my eyes, no one else had any need for that sight.

  ‘Where’s Leo?’ Sarah asked, looking around.

  ‘I think he was on the phone.’ Andreas hitched a thumb over his shoulder in the general direction of Leo’s bedroom.

  He came to stand beside me and I leant against him. He was warm and smelled of soap and shampoo. He put a hand on my shoulder and rested his temple against the top of my head.

  ‘You all right?’ His voice was low.

  ‘Yeah. I’m fine.’ As fine as I could be working side-by-side with Glenn, who couldn’t stand the sight of me. ‘I found my cousin on Facebook,’ I told him, totally changing the subject. I hoped he couldn’t tell.

  ‘You did?’ He stared at me in surprise. ‘Leo knew his last name?’

  I nodded. ‘I sent him a friend request and a message. He hasn’t answered me yet. I think he’s in the military though, so he’s likely busy.’

  ‘One year older than you, then.’

  ‘I guess, yeah.’ I bit down on my lower lip, the anxiety about what I’d sent him still not gone.

  ‘Nervous about his answer?’ he guessed.

  ‘Yeah.’ So bloody nervous. ‘Or what if he doesn’t answer at all? What if he just ignores the message and deletes the friend request?’

  ‘Then you know he’s not worth your time.’

  ‘I don’t know why we lost contact.’ I stared thoughtfully down into the tandoori sauce. ‘Maybe my parents did something. Or said something. I reckon it must be on them we lost contact.’ They were crazy and dysfunctional and couldn’t keep a relationship with anyone to save their lives. It must be their fault.

  An alarm started blaring behind us.

  ‘The rice is done.’ Glenn moved back over to the stove. I hadn’t even known he’d put an alarm on his phone.

  Sarah jumped down from the table. ‘Will you get the table ready, Peter?’

  ‘Did you spend money on saffron?’ Andreas stared at the rice in wonder. Wasn’t saffron what they used to get the rice yellow? And wasn’t it ridiculously expensive?

  ‘Hell no!’ Sarah stared at him with wide eyes.
‘The kilo price on that is ridiculous.’

  ‘It’s turmeric,’ Glenn shot in. ‘It works just as well and it’s so much cheaper. Plus the rice gets some actual taste to it.’

  Andreas held his hands up in the universal sign for peace. ‘I’ll help you deck the table,’ he then told Peter, who had already gotten the plates out, so Andreas got cutlery and glasses.

  Glenn put a big pot of steaming rice in the middle of the table, and I poured the tandoori into the sauce plate Sarah handed me.

  Leo still hadn’t arrived.

  What was he so busy with?

  ‘I’ll go tell Leo the food’s done.’ I smiled at Andreas as I moved past him.

  Sarah and Glenn were bickering about mixing the chicken with the sauce, and I smiled to myself as I walked away.

  Glenn seemed much better today. Whatever was putting him in a better mood, I was all for it. I knew Andreas was as well—he’d been worried about Glenn for weeks.

  I knocked on Leo’s door.

  He was at the window, looking out, phone pressed to his ear. He looked over his shoulder at me now though.

  ‘Dinner’s ready.’

  ‘I’ll be there in a minute.’ The conversation he was having was clearly important.

  I nodded and walked back into the living room. The table was set, the food was put out, and Andreas and his friends were laughing at something Peter had said.

  Maybe this holiday wouldn’t be so bad at all.

  I should keep an open mind.

  I wasn’t good at that, but it was starting in a nice place. If it continued like this, I might even enjoy myself.

  How weird was that?

  Wednesday, February 20th

  To my relief, they’d all been too knackered to go to the after-ski party last night.

  Today, however, was a different day.

  So here I was, at a party.

  Come to think of it, a party was really where it all had started with Andreas. So parties couldn’t be too bad. Except they were.

  It didn’t take me long to regret my decision of going with them. The only reason I was here was because I hadn’t wanted to stay back at the cabin all by myself. Now I wished I was back there all alone.

  I desperately wished I could have fun. That I could enjoy everything they did… but I didn’t. Be normal.

  But I wasn’t. I wasn’t normal.

  I didn’t enjoy myself and it showed. I couldn’t hide it.

  Peter and Sarah were all over each other, eyes for no one but each other. Public displays of affection like that made me uncomfortable. It always had. Maybe because I’d never had anyone who wanted to be affectionate in public with me. Or maybe it was just how I was. Anyway, it was even an even more uncomfortable thought now, with a side of anxiety, after being attacked by Glenn’s brother.

  Thanks to him I had a scar I hadn’t chosen myself. On my forehead. It just made me look even uglier.

  Although calling myself ugly might be an insult to Andreas. I didn’t think he had bad taste. Not in general. Just with me. I had no idea what he saw in me, but I was glad he did see something.

  Too bad I didn’t see it.

  Also, it wasn’t like Sarah and Peter had to worry about a psycho homophobe coming to attack them just for being who they were. No, that was reserved to us lucky gay people.

  Yay.

  I might’ve had a little too much to drink. Maybe that was why I was currently sitting in a toilet stall. I didn’t even need to go to the toilet, I just sat on top of it like a miserable lug and was pondering what the hell was wrong with my head that I couldn’t like what every other person on the planet seemed to like.

  Drinking and partying.

  Snogging and groping in public.

  I just wasn’t made for this.

  So what was I made of?

  My sluggish mind couldn’t come up with anything.

  Leo enjoyed himself, though I hadn’t seen him drink anything other than Coke. But he was old enough to buy stronger stuff and he’d bought some for me and now here I was.

  In a toilet stall.

  All alone.

  ‘Alex?’ There was a knock on the door.

  Andreas.

  I bent forward, just reaching the lock. When I turned it, Andreas opened the door to peek in.

  ‘I’m here.’ I waved slightly, then tilted sideways to rest my head against the wall.

  Andreas’s eyes, so warm and deep and brown I could drown in them, took me in. He came into the stall—which made it rather crowded considering his bulk—and he locked the door after him.

  My mind took a filthy turn, thoughts of him fucking me over the toilet prevalent. That would be hot, wouldn’t it? And though people might hear, it wasn’t like anyone would be able to see us. It could just as well be a straight couple fucking.

  But Andreas’s expression didn’t seem like the lustful kind. He seemed sort of worried.

  ‘Why are you here all on your own?’ He crouched down and put his hands on my knees. ‘Is something wrong?’

  ‘I’m fine.’ I wasn’t. That was a lie. I was lying to my boyfriend.

  He wore a simple black hoodie. His thick winter jacket was probably left at our table along with my jacket.

  ‘Hey.’ He snapped his fingers in front of my face. ‘Eyes up here. No ogling.’

  I looked into his eyes again.

  ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’ His voice was soft but demanding.

  ‘I just sometimes—I don’t know.’ I shrugged helplessly. I didn’t know how to explain it. ‘I just have bad days.’

  ‘You didn’t earlier,’ he pointed out.

  ‘Bad hours in a day then.’

  ‘Anything bring it on?’ He took my hands in his, tangling our fingers.

  I shook my head. Then I changed my mind. ‘Being here. Drinking, watching you all have fun.’

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘I’m not having fun.’

  ‘But you used to go out to parties before we met.’ He frowned in confusion.

  ‘I went out to parties to find cock.’ I stared at him. ‘That’s different. I don’t have friends to enjoy myself with. Never had. All I could do was go out on the pull, so the night almost always ended well. It was worth it.’

  ‘What if I tell you you’ll be getting cock tonight too?’ He leant in closer, grinning. ‘Will it be worth it then?’

  I smiled slightly at that. Getting cock at the end of the night was always a good ending. No doubt about that.

  ‘Maybe.’ His lips drew my attention. They were slightly parted, pink, very kissable. ‘Kiss me.’ I needed him close. Badly. I had hardly seen him all day, aside from dinner, and we didn’t touch much when his friends were around.

  He didn’t need to be commanded twice. He leant in, lips warm and soft and tasting slightly of beer. I didn’t even mind the beer, too interested in the kiss. Some alone-time was always appreciated.

  If being locked in a toilet stall counted as alone-time.

  Andreas caressed my face when he drew back.

  ‘Do you think I’m dull?’ I stared into his eyes again, trying my best to read him, see if his answer would be true. He wasn’t the easiest person to read though.

  ‘What?’ His eyes widened a fraction in surprise.

  ‘Do you think I’m boring?’ I repeated, needing an answer. ‘I don’t play sports. I don’t like to go out drinking and partying. I don’t have anything in common with your friends. I don’t want to ski—‘

  ‘Stop that.’ He put his index finger to my lips. ‘I don’t think you’re boring, Alex. I think you’re different. Than us, I mean. You have other interests. You like to read books, to watch films, you like to study, you like to have sex…’ He pressed up against me as he trailed off on his last point.

  His groin pressed to mine and I didn’t even try to suppress my gasp.

  ‘I think that last one goes for most people.’ I slid my hands up his biceps, over his broad shoulders, and down his sides until I
reached his hips. ‘One thing we have in common, I guess.’

  ‘No guessing about it.’ Andreas nuzzled the side of my face. His stubble prickled, but I didn’t mind at all. I wished I could feel it on the rest of my body, but shagging in the toilet didn’t hold much interest.

  I wanted a bed, a bed with him and me naked in it.

  ‘For me, partying and drinking is about being sociable with my friends,’ he continued in a low voice. ‘Maybe meeting new people, too. Before I met you, it was also about sex. But I respect that you’re not a sociable person. That’s acceptable. I like you for who you are. I don’t want you to change just because of me.’

  ‘You don’t want me to be friends with your friends?’ I slipped my fingers under his hoodie and T-shirt to run over the bare skin on his lower back.

  ‘Of course I do. But I also know you won’t be best friends with them since as you said, you don’t have anything in common. I’m fine with that.’ His hand inched up my thigh. ‘As long as my friends know you and you know them, and we can all spend time together once in a while, everything’s cool. It would’ve been worse if you didn’t get along with them at all, but they do like you. Sarah even wanted you to go shopping with her on Monday. Only you.’

  ‘Because the rest of you didn’t want to,’ I pointed out. They’d all been rather obvious about it.

  ‘But she still wanted to go with you.’ He poked me in the chest. ‘That we didn’t want to go was just an excuse for her to drag you out with her. She wants to get to know you, Alex. Peter too.’

  It was… good to hear that.

  But there was an elephant in the room.

  ‘Glenn and I don’t get along.’ I had to point it out. I couldn’t not. ‘He can’t stand me.’

  ‘Glenn’s an arse.’ Andreas said that so matter-of-factly. ‘And if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t be here. If there’s someone he doesn’t like, he doesn’t even want to be in the same room as them. Whatever his issue is with you, I don’t think that it’s that he actively dislikes you. Maybe it is the gay thing or the cutting, I don’t know. Glenn’s hard to get answers out of. And I know he doesn’t speak to you or anything, but that’s because he’s a stubborn git and can’t admit that he was wrong. I’m sure of it, Alex.’ He rested his forehead against mine, rubbing our noses together.